It has been 7 months since my last blog post. I am sure my subscribers forgot about me and some people probably think it was just a phase and that the hype has died. Well, that’s not true, I love blogging a lot but here is why I stopped blogging.
What had happened was…
Towards the of 2017 something in my life happened and it triggered depression. I have always had moments of depression but nothing quite that intense. I only told one of my close friends, but I don’t think even he quite understood the severity of it.
Since I mentioned “severe”, you’re probably thinking “she was probably suicidal” but nope I wasn’t. I wasn’t suicidal but everything around me suffered, my job, my relationships, and my crafts. If you know anything about depression then you know, getting yourself to do anything is a hustle.
Getting myself out of bed to go to work was extremely painful, it almost felt physical. Sometimes I wished I felt actual physical pain, so I can point out the source of the pain. For the first time in my life, I understood why people cut themselves, emotional pain is the worst kind of pain and sometimes you just don’t even feel a thing which is even worse. I wanted to feel something, but self-harm was not an option, I thought about going for a hike and getting to the top and screaming out loud. I did climb a mountain but with people who just didn’t know what was going on.
I went on like that for what seemed like forever. I mentioned that my job suffered, my colleagues noticed that I wasn’t myself, however, I managed to somewhat pull myself together, so I can do my job. I mustered enough courage to get my job done but I just couldn’t get back to being myself.
What I did next…
I deactivated my Facebook account because I couldn’t handle posting and pretending to be happy while I was anything but happy. The toxicity and competitiveness of social media also weren’t helping the situation. I was annoyed by a lot of people and by a lot of things so I chose to step away from it all and risk losing the following I had.
I was supposed to go to the Philippines in January, but I opted to go home instead. Going home helped tremendously even though I couldn’t tell my parents I wasn’t okay (I need a whole new blog post to explain why).
When I returned from home, I still wasn’t quite where I wanted to be emotionally, and I decided that it’s best I seek counseling.
Finally opening to someone who deals with these kinds of stuff and knowing that they actually listened to me made me feel better but between my black tax and my endless responsibilities, it soon became too expensive for me to continue.
My counselor suggested that I join the gym and do some yoga. I already had a gym membership, but I was too depressed to go to the gym. I wanted to get better, so I got back to the gym and did yoga.
I think I got to a point where I was comfortable with just going to work, gym then sleeping that I still couldn’t get myself to sit down and write or work on anything related to my blog. So, what started as depression became procrastination.
I procrastinated for months straight, planning in my head but never getting around to doing anything until another event occurred but instead of depressing me (it could have) it inspired me. I stopped procrastinating and being away from social media meant I had a lot more time and a lot more space in my head.
I remember crying the day I started writing down my ideas, I felt like I was slowly returning to myself and it was the most amazing feeling ever…